Hurricane Humor

• 30 Things That Hurricanes Charley and Frances Taught You

The Orlando Sentinel published a list of 30 Things That Hurricanes Charley and Frances Taught You. Here are a few of the best:

• An oak tree on the ground looks four times bigger than it did standing up.
• When house hunting, look for closets with lots of leg room.
• AA, C and D are the only alphabet we need (think batteries).
• Chainsaw-wielding-men are nothing to be afraid of.
• You can't spell "priceless" without I-C-E.
• Gasoline is a value at any price.
• Candlelight is better than botox — it takes years off your appearance.
• No matter how hard the wind blows, roadside campaign signs will survive.

• Florida: Plywood State

• Top 10 Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles

And... the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...

1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

• Hurricane Tag

• 'Twas The Night Before Frances

'Twas the night before Frances
When all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping
Not a store open late

All the plywood was hung
On the windows with care
Knowing that a hurricane
Soon would be there

The children were ready
With flashlights in hand
While bands from the hurricane
Covered over the land

And mamma with her Mag-Lite
And I in my cap
Had just filled the bath tub
For flushing our crap

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet
To see what was the matter

The trees on the fence
And the neighbor's roof torn
Gave the fear of us dying
In this terrible storm

With a little wind gust
So lively and quick
I remembered quite clearly
Our walls weren't brick

More rapid than eagles
Her courses they came
And she whistled, and wafted
And surged all the same
      Off shingles!  Off sidings!
      Off rooftops!  Off power!
      Down trees!  Down fences!
      Down trailers!  Down towers!
In the center of Florida
She continued to maul
Screaming Blow Away!
Blow Away!  Blow Away All!

As wind ripped and tossed
The debris through the sky
I peeked out the shutters
At cars floating by

So go to the safe-room
My family did do
With a portable radio
And batteries too

And then, in a twinkling
I heard on the set
The end was not coming
For a few hours yet!

As I calmed down the kids
And was turning around
Through the window it came
With a huge crashing sound

A tree branch it was
All covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab
On top of my foot

A bundle of twigs
Now lay in a stack
And my living room looks
Like it was under attack

The wind - how it howled!
The storm - very scary!
Myself and the family
Were all too unwary
The dangers of hurricanes
Are serious, you know
They are taken for granted
As Frances did show

With the winds dying down
And the danger beneath
I noticed my tool shed
Was missing its sheath

So I grabbed my last tarp
And nailed it on down
Then I got in my car
And I headed to town

The traffic was awful
And stores had no ice
My five gallon cooler
Would have to suffice

Generators were scarce
Not one left in town
There were trees on the roads
And power lines down

FEMA was ready
With people to work
Electrical companies
Came in from New York

And in the midst of
This peculiar routine
Another storm emerged
Named Hurricane Jeanne

I sprang to the car
And gave my family a whistle
Then away we all went
Like a Tomahawk missile

You could hear us exclaim
As we drove out of sight
"Fare well to this place,
Vermont seems just right!"
 

• Florida's Newest Postcard

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