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Florida Jokes & Stories

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Say It S-l-o-w-l-y

A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it -- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME?

They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress; "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?"

The woman looked at him and said; "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."


A Place of Balance

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending them from the North every winter!


Lawyer Gets Served

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."


I Demand A Recount!

Dear Florida Lotto,

I know I chose the winning numbers for Wednesday's FL Lotto drawing. But upon further review, it appears the incorrect numbers appeared on my ticket. How could this happen? The root cause of this dilemma is the form I filled out to get my ticket. The form is very confusing. I thought I was choosing one set of numbers, (the winning numbers), when in reality I chose a completely different set of numbers. The numbers and boxes on the form are so close together, it's impossible to determine which box to fill in for which number.

I checked with at least 3,000 other people, and they all had the exact same problem. I'm sure if you review the form I filled out, it will become very clear that I'm entitled to the money from Wednesday's drawing.

Please reply with the date, time, and location, for me to collect the winnings due me.

Sincerely,
John Smith
West Palm Springs, Florida


Well, duh!

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices; such as, little bells on their clothing, to alert, but not startle, the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

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